Life and death.

I can barely deal with my own life. I haven't quite mastered the art of living, so how am I supposed to deal with the recent deaths in my family?

We are all just waiting to die.

100

"I go extra hard at the first second you doubt me

I strive for perfection at the same time

I’m accepting the fact that there’ll never be nothing perfect about me

Shit, I’m just waiting on a win"

                                              -100 by Big Sean



Not all rap is about sex, drugs, and money.
and this is exactly how I am  feel.
I'm getting better with the whole perfection thing.
One day at a time, I suppose.

 

Perfection

I just want to be perfect. All my life I have strived for perfection, which is not a reality. So essentially I have just set myself up for failure.

I want to be perfect at everything. And with the realization that perfection does not exist, I only feel hopeless.

If I can't be perfect, then why keep working so hard on anything.

Some thoughts.

Just testing out my blogger app on my iPhone.

I took my vyvanse (aka my energizer pill) and man have I done some work.

I managed to knock out some research for my Art History project and do some decent cleaning. Cleaning while on vyvanse means I was pouring sweat.

Unfortunately I need to take a break and go get more smokes.

I still have to cook dinner, do laundry, fix my nails, and do some math homework. And at some point I need to shower.

Of course I had all weekend do to all of this, but I managed to blow it off and watch football. Saturday was my one day of relaxation. Just hanging and watching College Football.

School, homework, and chores stress me out enough. And yet I still need to find a real part time job.

Yikes. This is what being a grown up is?

I Can't Breathe

I'm just taking a quick minute to update. Keyword: Quick. I feel like since school has started, my life has been a complete whirlwind. I feel like I haven't had time to breathe. I haven't had time to even think.

After sleeping half of my summer away, the start of school has been an onslaught of constant chaos. My thought process usually goes like this:

"I need to do...I forgot to...I need to get...I need to...I need to...I need too."

Don't perceive my negativity towards school as complaining, I love school. I really do, but I tend to stress myself out very easily. I think a lot of my stress comes from my medication. I have been taking Vyvanse for over a year now. When my doctor diagnosed me with Adult ADD, I started Vyvanse. It has really saved my life in many ways, but there are downsides with every medication. I am very productive and can concentrate so well with my medication, but I can not relax. This little pill transforms me into one of those workoholics that takes on every tasks and leaves no room to relax. I turn into the energizer bunny. Literally.

Then there are the weekends, where I like to sleep in. If I wake up too late, I don't take that mighty pill, and therefore get nothing done. Laying in bed and doing nothing, while I yearn for that relaxation during the week, during the weekend it makes me feel so lazy. When I finally relax, I feel so unproductive and feel horrible.

So basically, my life is chaos and a vicious cycle. I don't know when I will ever get it right.


And a little side note, My visit to Tallahassee to help my sister start her own blog was pretty successful for the short time I spent up there. Check out one of the pics:

Love it!

Unmotivated and Uninspired

Lately I have been feeling even more lost than usual. I'm not quite sure what the most contributing factor to this dilemma is, but I am starting wonder when I will find my way. I'm not sure where to start or how I will know when I have found my way. I feel as if all my dreams, ambitions, and hopes are all the puzzle pieces I have right now, and I am missing the important pieces to make the puzzle complete.

Granted, I have just turned 21, but I feel like I am so far behind in life. I know things don't always go as we have planned or as we had hoped...but I'm wondering when I'll be content with what I have, where I am, and who I am. I have been told so many times I must not compare myself to other people, but when I feel so lost about who I am, its an easy thing to do.

There are so many factors to my total discontentment as of lately. Mostly I have been feeling quite lonely. I miss my sister. I miss having a best friend nearby that I can talk to. I feel as though everyone I have leaned on in the past is too busy. My sister lives 4-5 hours away and has her own life. My mother is doing only God knows what with her time. And my dad, my lovely father, has is own affairs. I know he is always there for me, but sometimes I feel like I have heard it all before. All the affirmations, the advice, his little pep talks. While they were comforting for a while, I feel like the more someone says something, the less meaning it has. I love my father to death and appreciate everything he has done for me, don't get me wrong.

Although I confess my loneliness has been a factor to my discontentment, I have found that i have been isolating myself from others. I feel selfish. Especially when I lock myself in my room and ignore texts and calls from people who want to talk to me. I don't mean to hurt them. Its not personal.

I also feel hopeless. I used to spend my time daydreaming about writing and photography and drawing. I used to stay up all night and create things. I used listen to music with meaning. I used to carry my sketchbook around with me everywhere. I used to be so hopeful. I'm not quite sure what happened. Maybe I have been distracted. I'm not quite sure by what, but the hope I had in my art has vanished. I haven't picked up a pencil to draw in...well quite some time.

My sister wants to partner up with me and start a blog. Of course, being a journalism major, I would be the one to come to. Sounds promising. But right now I am in a creative rut. I have been neglecting THIS blog, so I don't know what greatness would come from another one.

I feel as though all these dreams and aspirations I have are just setting me up for disappointment. I have always been very determined, but right now...I have pretty much given up on doing anything great. Or being anyone great.

The Storm

This is an entry from my most recent journal. Dated February 20, 2012

So much has happened lately, my head is spinning. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Which way is up, which way is down. I don't try to make sense of it, because it only adds salt to the wound. I feel like this tornado of confusion is hitting me hard. I'm looking for shelter from the storm, but I keep getting hit. Just when I think the storm has passed, and I can relax, my world is turned upside down once again. I am trying to pretend the damage can be fixed with some tender, loving care, but I am not fully convinced.

My heart is telling me to pick up the pieces and reconstruct the shambles I have left. Of course the foundation will still be faulty and could fall to pieces once again. My brain is telling me to start brand new. To start all over. Maybe I should move out of the storm's path for refuge. My brain knows better. Its telling me to move to safety and start fresh with a brand new foundation. It sounds easy and is a wise choice, yet the old foundation that made me feel at home is too sentimental. There are too many memories that would be left behind. Every inch holds a special place in my heart. It brought me comfort. The nostalgia brings me comfort.  Security.

Sure, I could find better supplies and learn from the past, and maybe that's what I need. Perhaps I could be just as happy with something brand new. I could make new memories.

I'm stuck.