Unmotivated and Uninspired

Lately I have been feeling even more lost than usual. I'm not quite sure what the most contributing factor to this dilemma is, but I am starting wonder when I will find my way. I'm not sure where to start or how I will know when I have found my way. I feel as if all my dreams, ambitions, and hopes are all the puzzle pieces I have right now, and I am missing the important pieces to make the puzzle complete.

Granted, I have just turned 21, but I feel like I am so far behind in life. I know things don't always go as we have planned or as we had hoped...but I'm wondering when I'll be content with what I have, where I am, and who I am. I have been told so many times I must not compare myself to other people, but when I feel so lost about who I am, its an easy thing to do.

There are so many factors to my total discontentment as of lately. Mostly I have been feeling quite lonely. I miss my sister. I miss having a best friend nearby that I can talk to. I feel as though everyone I have leaned on in the past is too busy. My sister lives 4-5 hours away and has her own life. My mother is doing only God knows what with her time. And my dad, my lovely father, has is own affairs. I know he is always there for me, but sometimes I feel like I have heard it all before. All the affirmations, the advice, his little pep talks. While they were comforting for a while, I feel like the more someone says something, the less meaning it has. I love my father to death and appreciate everything he has done for me, don't get me wrong.

Although I confess my loneliness has been a factor to my discontentment, I have found that i have been isolating myself from others. I feel selfish. Especially when I lock myself in my room and ignore texts and calls from people who want to talk to me. I don't mean to hurt them. Its not personal.

I also feel hopeless. I used to spend my time daydreaming about writing and photography and drawing. I used to stay up all night and create things. I used listen to music with meaning. I used to carry my sketchbook around with me everywhere. I used to be so hopeful. I'm not quite sure what happened. Maybe I have been distracted. I'm not quite sure by what, but the hope I had in my art has vanished. I haven't picked up a pencil to draw in...well quite some time.

My sister wants to partner up with me and start a blog. Of course, being a journalism major, I would be the one to come to. Sounds promising. But right now I am in a creative rut. I have been neglecting THIS blog, so I don't know what greatness would come from another one.

I feel as though all these dreams and aspirations I have are just setting me up for disappointment. I have always been very determined, but right now...I have pretty much given up on doing anything great. Or being anyone great.

The Storm

This is an entry from my most recent journal. Dated February 20, 2012

So much has happened lately, my head is spinning. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Which way is up, which way is down. I don't try to make sense of it, because it only adds salt to the wound. I feel like this tornado of confusion is hitting me hard. I'm looking for shelter from the storm, but I keep getting hit. Just when I think the storm has passed, and I can relax, my world is turned upside down once again. I am trying to pretend the damage can be fixed with some tender, loving care, but I am not fully convinced.

My heart is telling me to pick up the pieces and reconstruct the shambles I have left. Of course the foundation will still be faulty and could fall to pieces once again. My brain is telling me to start brand new. To start all over. Maybe I should move out of the storm's path for refuge. My brain knows better. Its telling me to move to safety and start fresh with a brand new foundation. It sounds easy and is a wise choice, yet the old foundation that made me feel at home is too sentimental. There are too many memories that would be left behind. Every inch holds a special place in my heart. It brought me comfort. The nostalgia brings me comfort.  Security.

Sure, I could find better supplies and learn from the past, and maybe that's what I need. Perhaps I could be just as happy with something brand new. I could make new memories.

I'm stuck.

Testing 1, 2, 3.

So I decided to start a blog with the encouragement of my father. See, I am a college student currently working towards a major in journalism. My father, who I swear is the wisest man I know, said that I should practice writing. Which makes sense. To master something, you must practice. I don't know if anyone will ever stumble upon this and read it, but nonetheless, I shall write. I'm not sure about what. Rambles, thoughts, opinions, short stories. I'm just full of surprises.

If anyone does happen to read this, maybe I should give a brief background on myself.

I have lived in the same house since I was in the first grade. I have known the same people since at least elementary school. Everyone seems to know everyone else and all of their business. I am a college student still living at home with my father and I am currently unemployed. This isn't where I had planned to be in life at this age. But such is life; things don't always go as planned.

I have struggled with many mental and emotional issues stemming as far back as I can remember. The worst came about in high school, and ever since then I have been one unstable, messed up, lost girl. I have always used creativity as an outlet. I have dabbled in art, but lately I have given up on that. I go back in forth in my head about my major, but decided, "well hey I've made it this far into my educational plan, why start over?"

Everything is so uncertain to me.


Well, let the fun begin.