Unmotivated and Uninspired

Lately I have been feeling even more lost than usual. I'm not quite sure what the most contributing factor to this dilemma is, but I am starting wonder when I will find my way. I'm not sure where to start or how I will know when I have found my way. I feel as if all my dreams, ambitions, and hopes are all the puzzle pieces I have right now, and I am missing the important pieces to make the puzzle complete.

Granted, I have just turned 21, but I feel like I am so far behind in life. I know things don't always go as we have planned or as we had hoped...but I'm wondering when I'll be content with what I have, where I am, and who I am. I have been told so many times I must not compare myself to other people, but when I feel so lost about who I am, its an easy thing to do.

There are so many factors to my total discontentment as of lately. Mostly I have been feeling quite lonely. I miss my sister. I miss having a best friend nearby that I can talk to. I feel as though everyone I have leaned on in the past is too busy. My sister lives 4-5 hours away and has her own life. My mother is doing only God knows what with her time. And my dad, my lovely father, has is own affairs. I know he is always there for me, but sometimes I feel like I have heard it all before. All the affirmations, the advice, his little pep talks. While they were comforting for a while, I feel like the more someone says something, the less meaning it has. I love my father to death and appreciate everything he has done for me, don't get me wrong.

Although I confess my loneliness has been a factor to my discontentment, I have found that i have been isolating myself from others. I feel selfish. Especially when I lock myself in my room and ignore texts and calls from people who want to talk to me. I don't mean to hurt them. Its not personal.

I also feel hopeless. I used to spend my time daydreaming about writing and photography and drawing. I used to stay up all night and create things. I used listen to music with meaning. I used to carry my sketchbook around with me everywhere. I used to be so hopeful. I'm not quite sure what happened. Maybe I have been distracted. I'm not quite sure by what, but the hope I had in my art has vanished. I haven't picked up a pencil to draw in...well quite some time.

My sister wants to partner up with me and start a blog. Of course, being a journalism major, I would be the one to come to. Sounds promising. But right now I am in a creative rut. I have been neglecting THIS blog, so I don't know what greatness would come from another one.

I feel as though all these dreams and aspirations I have are just setting me up for disappointment. I have always been very determined, but right now...I have pretty much given up on doing anything great. Or being anyone great.